What's New, Pussycat?

Hold The Line

Things might look a bit weird today as I'm switching domain hosts. Hopefully I'll be done with all this geeky bollocks soon!

The Plastic Menace

Cheers to my colleague Simon for passing on this BBC News article: Washing up bowls 'a health hazard'

"Many commonly used kitchen implements are a threat to health and should be thrown away, scientists have warned.

Washing up bowls and re-usable dish clothes are thought to be a particularly good breeding ground for bugs."

The article is from December 2000. If I'd seen it at the time it may have killed my longing to move to the UK, especially with this quote from Professor Hugh Pennington of the University of Aberdeen, one of Britain's leading infection experts:

"I would like to get rid of washing-up bowls altogether. They are an absolute menace."

In other news, blogging veteran Matt Haughey wrote an interesting post last week about blog comments and how he feels they've become a bit shit over the years:

"I have a feeling that if you've only seen blogs in the past five years (which is probably 95+% of people reading blogs today) you consider comments to be de rigueur and they are entirely divorced from the original concept of a conversation between the reader and the author of the original post. It's not an intimate conversation, it's just another content management feature available to you on the web.

This has a de-humanizing effect that I'm seeing play out more and more often in the weirdest places. People will post about their idle curiosities on their personal blog ("Why does x happen when I do y?") and instead of seeing friendly answers I would expect many years ago, I'll often see someone early on read into the question and assume all sorts of accusations ("well, maybe it's because you are a, b, and c, and everyone knows it!") and watch most followup comments start from there and go into darker directions."

Well, you do see more moronic semi-literate bawbags popping up these days, but it seems to be mostly on really mega personal blogs of Dooceian proportions. I have more issues with shameless pimpsters that skim one entry and write, Great Post, Shauna! This reminds me of my stupid diet pills / miracle face cream/ revolutionary health website which is 10,000 times more infuriating than the olden days of automated comment spam, because at least that was done by a machine!

At least with the blogs I stalk... there is plenty o' cosy chit chat goodness to be found. And here - 105 comments debating the merits of washing dishes in a plastic bowl? That's the sort of thing that makes you want to hump the internet with ecstasy.

False Arm

ARRGHHHH! This weekend, for sure.

Three Oh

Thirty rhymes with dirty, flirty and shirty and that's my official age now. Woohoo!

Last night we reluctantly boarded the flight back to Edinburgh at 7.40PM New York time, which happened to be 10.40AM on November 1st back in beloved Australia -- spookily, the precise time I disembarked The Mothership back in 1977.

If I had enough energy I'd write a proper post prattling on about this magnificient milestone, and how everyone keeps reassuring me that their thirties have been their dazzling prime. Instead I've been frowning at this wee tube of anti-aging creme that the kind folks at Liz Earle Skincare chucked in for free with my latest order.

I also looked back at each of my birthday blog entries for the past seven years and felt all warm and schmoogly remembering all you lovely Commenters Throughout The Ages. And I reckon I'm in a much better frame of mind than when I started writing here aged 22.5. The blog is not so much a thinly disguised distress call now. I think we're all going to be juuuuust fine!

You Give Lard A Bad Name

According to some new statistics, Scotland is now the second fattest nation in the world behind the USA.

All I can say to our friends across the pond is... watch out. We have the deep-fried pizzas and Mars Bars and we're not afraid to use them. The coveted Number One spot shall be ours some day.

In other news, after six weeks of swearing and tinkering I've managed to convert this stinking blog to the MT4 templates. And for all that effort all I give you is... exactly the same bloody template you've been staring at since 2002. At least now there's no tables!

There are bugs here and there that I need to iron out but THE COMMENTS ARE WORKING NOW hurrah hurrah hurrah. Proper entry soon but for now I'm away to my bed.

The Stinky Stench of Defeat

I have been using Movable Type since 2001. My good friend Daniel installed it on my server waaay back in the beta beginning when there was Ben and Mena in their living room and a handful of other testers. And I have remained faithful and devoted ever since, through thick and thin and Trackback spam.

But now with MT4 I just want to curl up and howl and wave the white flag. My host upgraded me a few weeks ago and everything seemed fine; I was loving the sexy new interface. Now I've got all these Server 500 errors with the comments and I have no idea why. It was working fine after the upgrade and then suddenly it wasn't.

(On that topic - if you leave a comment, you'll get the Error page, but your comment will be received by the database. It's just not publishing it or sending me the notification email. I can manually publish your comments later on though, so by all means, please say hello!)

I've been looking at new default templates and after years of bumbling and bluffing my way through the Land of MT I think I've finally reached the limit of my technical abilities. I just cannot wrap my head around these new templates; all the includes and widgets and nested whatnots. I thought I could swap my blog to the default templates and just tweak it to look like my current template - chuck in a banner image, throw in my sidebar info, fiddle with the fonts and colours. But I just cannae figure it out at all.

I created a dummy blog and imported my archives and then I got stuck. Everything seems so much more complicated now with a bazillion more files to edit. Where is the default stylesheet hiding? Which file do I need for the sidebar? How do I get this category pagination thing to work? And why have my old entries lost their SmartyPants formatting, curly quotes, etc?

I've looked online for some sort of template guidance to no avail - I remember when MT3 came out some lovely person did a great guide to disecting all the new templates for idiots. I'm crossing my fingers that an equally kind and brainy soul feels compelled to do this for MT4. Or... maybe everyone else has found the transition a walk in the park and the simple diagnosis is:  I'M A MORON.

For now my options are stay stuck with broken comments or whack up the boring default templates without any of my customisations, unless I miraculously become clever and/or blessed with ten gallons of spare time overnight. I couldn't be arsed switching to WordPress; it took me six years to feign a basic level of competence with MT. I just want to write stupid entries and chitty chat with the commenters and not think about the geeky stuff. Blah.

Screwed

Hello folks. My lovely webhosts upgraded me to Movable Type v4 last week and I've only just noticed that everything is cactus now. Something is up with the comment templates and I have no idea how to fix it. And I was feeling pouty because noone was commenting, but turns out comments have been received, just not published. ARRRGH. Help. Bollocks. I'll try and sort it today.

Reboot

This blog has been a stinking pit of neglect this year and my humble apologies to anyone still out there. I was completely burn out by other projects but now I'm almost recharged and determined to flex the typing fingers again. Thanks for sticking around, sticky people.

In other news, I bagged my first munro last week, hurrah!

Slackarse Rides Again

Once again I seem to have half a dozen half-finished entries that are all rubbish. At least I have a good excuse today - I'm dog sitting! It was a dog sitting emergency. They belong to the parents of a friend of Gareth's and they arrived at 6AM this morning. I don't even know their names! They just sit on the couch shivering and staring at me with saucer eyes. They didn't even try to steal my lunch. Strange hounds. But cute.

UPDATE:  Turns out the wee dugs are called Toby and Tibby. They're brother and sister and a crusty twelve years old. As the day wore on they got a lot more animated and friendly, even after we dragged them up a hill for a two-hour walk in the pouring bloody rain. They've gone home now but have their memory lingers thanks to the 10,000,000 white hairs now coating every surface of our flat and car.

Lucky For Some

This blog turns the ripe old age of SEVEN today! Hurrah! It's crazy thinking of all the things that have happened over the last seven years and how this old girl kept rattling on throughout, sporadic and oft neglected. And it's now been five years since the last redesign. Here's a random list of Seven Things That Are In My Life Now That Weren't There Seven Years Ago.

1. Green & Blacks
2. Test Match Special
3. MotoGP
4. Mogwai
5. Regular exercise
6. Doctor G
7. "Doctor" Gillian McKeith (and how I miss those innocent times)

How's about you?

Oor Wullie

Rory Ewins, most excellent pal and fellow member of the exclusive Edinburgh Bloggers Who Used To Live In Canberra And Have Ginger Hair Club, has just become a dad! I saw the picture of wee William just now and can't stop blubbering. He's so cute and doesn't look a thing like his namesake. Congratulations, Jane and Rory!

Buy The Book

The day of the rouge snoz has arrived and so has Shaggy Blog Stories! The book is stuffed with 100 wacky tales from across the British blogland, how can you go wrong? There's even a contribution from me, although if you were hanging around here in 2004 you may well have read it before. But why not buy it anyway; there's 99 other stories that should keep you amused for hours. Most importantly you'll be raising funds for Comic Relief, woohoo!

I Might Be In Heaven, I Might Be In Hell

Have you met the Friends for Life hounds? From the website: "Friends for Life recognises and celebrates the difference that dogs can make to their owners lives, be it through bravery, support or companionship." There's a video of the shortlisted doggies and I'm begging ye to watch it! It's only five minutes; much shorter than a MotoGP race. The must-see bit is at 4:10 where you will meet nine-year-old Nye Thomas. He fell thirty feet into a river and broke both his arms, but was rescued by his trusty dog Bud. Gareth and I have watched Nye about 25 times now. His accent makes me bust a gut every time, and he has an hilarious turn of phrase.

"When Bud rescued me I was like... ohhh, flip. This is one strong dog. I was just amazed. I mean, how is he pulling me up like? I'm nine, and he's only eight! If Bud wasn't there I might be in heaven, I might be in hell. I don't where I might be. I might be in a hostebal."

. . . Are you a UK blogger? Are you funny? Are you feeling charitable? Mike at Troubled Diva came up with a great idea for Comic Relief's Red Nose Day - he's putting together a book in a week, full of funny Britblogger tales called Shaggy Blog Stories. You can submit your most amusing blog entry if you're a Brit in Britain, a Brit overseas, or even one of those pesky Almost-Permanent-Residents who are currently tearing their flat apart looking for no less than twenty pieces of evidence proving to the pedantic Home Office bastards that their marriage is not a sham. Mike's mission to pull off this "collaborative blog-stunt" in just seven days. It will be printed on lulu.com and all money raised by the sales (minus the lulu fees) will go to Comic Relief. More details here!

Intermission

Dear comrades, I'm taking a wee break from WNP. And that's wee as in small and brief. I mean, I'm not bursting for the loo or anything. Back in a jiffy!

Momentum

It is just too bloody easy to get out of a blogging rhythm, don't you think? As Homer Simpson says, "Never to do today what you can put off until tomorrow." I've been busy Thinking Thin on over yonder but now I've got to get back to the Cat. In the meantime, how the hell are you doing?

Hog Wild

It is wild and windy oot there, folks. If you're heading into Edinburgh for the Hogmanay celebrations, good luck!

We're going to a party around the corner but I am fighting the urge to just stay in the bathrobe and read a book.

How was your 2006? Mine was a goodun and I'm looking forward to working hard and moving forward in 2007. Happy new year, folks!

To everyone back home, I really miss youse all.

2006: Blogs

This week in Blogland feels dead, like the non-ratings summer period you get on Australian telly where it's all Macgyver and M*A*S*H repeats. So while it is quiet I shall write about my favourite things from 2006. And there's nothing you can do to stop me!

First up: BLOGS.

There are so many sailors on the sea of blogs these days, how does one pluck a few favourites out of the water? I like a blogger with a strong voice and a sense of humour. I like reading about lives far removed from my own, or people who are opinionated where I am fluffy, or people who are good at things at which I am crap. I like bloggers who are far more intelligent than me, when I'm too scared to leave comments so just sit in awed silence. And sometimes most of all, I like to make the first cuppa of the day then sip and read about people cooking good things, while I wonder how long it is until I can reasonably eat my lunch.

Here's a few of my favourites this year, many of which were new. By new I don't necessarily mean new new. Just new to me, as I always seem to "discover" blogs miles after everyone else has.

• Ganching
• Blogzira
• Elegant Sufficiency
• Flossy-p
• Sorrow at Sills Bend
• The Girl Who Ate Everything
• Return of the Reluctant
• Sarsaparilla
• Stuff and Nonsense
• A Beautiful Revolution
• Biology of the Worst Kind

The last blog is by writer Jenny Diski and among the gold found while stalking her archives was this:

"I am a woman of no substance. I've always said so, but people choose to believe that it's some charming conceit of mine. It's true that the brighter you shine the light on the grim truth, the more people laugh gaily and exclaim how witty, indeed how wonderful, you are. The more you explain that you aren't, that you are speaking the simple unedifying truth, the more they shake their heads in admiration."

Finally, here are Gareth's Top Blogs of 2006, as deduced by peeking at his laptop screen throughout the year. First he scans my blogs for typos and amusing comments, then maybe he'll see which one of us has the most friends on stinking MySpace, then sometimes he checks for fresh bitter and twistedness on True Wife Confessions and asks, "Is this one yours? Is this one yours!?".

And then he visits his favourite blogs:

• Speedysnail
• Momo Freaks Out
• I, Asshole

Impeccable taste!

Be Afraid

For the past three years November has been the month where I just sulked beneath the doona/duvet/comforter (choose your language!) and waited for Christmas to arrive, because at least then the cold and dark were offset by parties and presents. But this year I am determined to not be a whinging git and keep myself busy. Among my Acts of Busy-ness will be NaNoWriMo, the 50,000 word Quantity Not Quality novel-writing thingo. I'm doing it in an unofficial capacity, since I've already started and that is against the rules. But I like writing under pressure and it will be good to churn some words out for the aforementioned Dietgirl draft. Let us hope it is more successful than my 2001 NaNo effort, Not The Greatest Story Ever Told. Just to add to the insanity, I signed up for Ms Fussy's NaBloPoMo thingy, in which you have to write a blog entry every day in November. Considering I have averaged about four entries per month this year, it will be fun to force myself to write fast and furious. It will hardly be Blogging Gold but it's about time I stopped angsting and arseing about with those dozen half-done entries and spewed out some new shit. So be sure to check back daily and nag me if it looks like I'm slacking off. Huzzah!

Barely Legal

I'm going away for a couple of days so I just wanted get in early and say a very happy birthday to my wee brother James, who turns 18 on Sunday. I am sure it was only yesterday he was a screaming baby but now he's over six feet tall and almost officially adult. He has the most compelling MySpace page ever, even though it makes me feel like I am seven hundred years old. It contains words like "crew" and "bitches" and never fails to crack me up. Happy Birthday tiger. You are a legend. :) . . . Can I ask a question for an Aussies out there? Where do you do your online shopping these days? For books, music, or groovy presents in general. I am out of touch but I'd like to know where I can get the goods for folks back home. And if you're not Australian... hmmm... a question for you so no one feels left out. Ummm. What colour are your undies today? What are you doing on the weekend? Oooh, two questions!

McCranky

So there were a few hundred carefully worded words sitting in my Gmail Drafts folder and what did I just do? I hit the Discard Draft button instead of the Save button and didn't realise until I'd clicked onto some other emails, making it far too late to Undo. Is there any shittier feeling than hours of precious drivel zapping off into the ether? All that rage and nowhere to direct it because it's your own stinking fault. Off to bed. Try again tomorrow.

The Secretary Thinks Deep Thoughts - Part II

After all these years I finally figured something out yesterday. Why lever-arch folders have those big holes in the spine. It's so you can hook your finger inside and easily remove them from the shelf! What ingenuity! And all this time I thought it was a wee porthole for the papers to peep out of. Sadly, this has been the state of my brain this week. Almost as profound as the day I discovered the marvellous invention that is the staple remover. Apologies for all the waffle and obituaries lately. I shall reboot brain and post properly on the weekend.

I'll Be Baaack

Now that has to be the worst entry title of all time. But it's summer, at least it has been for the past couple of days. My brain is fried so I will be back shortly with all these half-finished entries ready for public consumption!

Killer Sheep of Wanlockhead

Peekaboo!

Just so you know, comrades... I can SEE the words you type into that search box there on the left. Lately there's been a few names that are real blasts from the past, and it's amusing to see people searching for themselves. And which of my former Australian bosses keeps searching for "boss"? I never had a boss I didn't like, so you won't find any bitchin' here! Anyway people. There's no need to lurk. Say hello. Leave a comment! Write an email! I am still the approachable clod you once knew.

Dear Pussycat

What's New Pussycat turns six this week. What keeps a blog alive for so long, aside from sporadic updates and stale design?

Comments, that's what. While you current folks are always golden, the real madness comes from random Google visitors and their comments on ancient posts. Years after an entry has passed its relevancy, people stumble in, skim read, then spout off. Some commenters seek advice. Some commenters give advice. Some just want you to know that they vehemently disagree with your opinion of half a decade ago.

Sadly I had to kill off this font of entertainment. While Movable Type has excellent spam fighting tools these days, and my thousands of comment spams were banished to a Junk folder, the extreme load on the server drained my bandwidth. So I closed comments on old entries.

In memory of my beloved comment-come-latelys, here's a few choice highlights.

The Funeral Business - September 2001
The Mothership went through a brief crackpot phase of coming up with small business ideas to help fund her retirement. First she was going to start a mobile adult toy store, a Bookmobile-style vehicle bringing vibrators and ben wa balls to deprived citizens of remote areas of New South Wales. The next brainwave was to start a funeral business run entirely by women as they are apparently more compassionate. The result - fifteen commenters over four years, seeking or offering advice on how to get the show on the road.

Hi there, my name is xeng, i am interested in building a funeral home business for the hmong community. However, i don't know much about what to do, how to start, and what to expect. If you know, and would like to share, it would be a pleasure. Thank You, Xeng Yang
Posted by XENG YANG on March 30, 2003

Hello, Death - October 2001
Australian children of the 80s will remember student news show Behind The News. BTN was universally loathed as we had to pay attention and do worksheets afterwards. One of my classmates hated presenter Richard Morecroft so much that she stood on a chair, hurled pencils at the screen and screamed, "I HATE YOU RICHARD MORECROFT AND I WANT YOU TO DIE!".

She must not have wanted it enough, for he went on to present the ABC news and all sorts of wildlife documentaries. In what is probably my most cherished WNP comment ever, the man himself wandered in a few years later. Don't try and tell me it's not the real Richard Morecroft. So polite, so articulate, so balanced!

I very much enjoyed reading this piece... really - I did. I also really used to enjoy working on BTN, but I had no idea of the pain it caused Melissa and her classmates!
Posted by Richard Morecroft on May 26, 2004

Cats Stuck Up Trees - May 2001
Inane entry about seeing a local TV anchor at the gym sparks a dozen folk asking for advice on how to get their moggie down. The last comment was particularly heart-wrenching:

I see plenty cries (or is that meows) for help, but no answers!? My cat is stuck up a 25 metre gum ... He's only a kitten and the horrid dog next door chased him up there - the tree is in the neighbour's garden!!!!!!!!! What happened to the cats that feature on this site? Any stories of hope?????? Do they come down????
Posted by Judy on September 2, 2005

Gene Simmons - April 2001
I posted a photo of my dog Harry with his tongue hanging out like the KISS bassman. Two years later came this classic comment:

I am looking for a talent agent to help me exploit my talent and I meet peter [Criss, KISS drummer] when he was up in tahoe in 93 I need someone to help me find a realband that is career motivated and has what it takes to go to the top! thanks Gene for your time and consideration
Mark /Bam Bam
Posted by Mark Steffens/Drummer on June 24, 2003

Get Skinny With Portia - February 2002
I had a dream in which slender actress Portia di Rossi launched a cookbook of the above title. I even dreamed the back cover blurb: Hello. I'm Portia de Rossi. It has always been my aim in life to weigh as little as humanly possible. Let this be your mission too. Put down your chocolate bars and get cooking with me.

For years there was a steady trickle of teen visitors begging Portia for her diet secrets. Many of them are quite troubling and sad, but I liked this one:

HEY BABES!!! IF YOU ARE NOT PERFECT IT DOESENT MATTER!!!!!! LOVE YOURSELF FOR WHO YOU ARE AND EVERY TIME U EAT SOMTHING NAUGHTY, BE HAPPY, IF U ARE NOT HAPPY YOUR BODY WONT BE HAPPY!!!!! NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!!!!!
Rock on,
Tanya

And then last year this guy lost it:

Do you people realize that there is no such book as "Get Skinny With Portia"?? This story is just a joke and if you had even a minute semblance of a brain you might understand it. I am so sick of ignorance and just well, plain stupidity. Please learn how to spell too you moronic, self-absorbed, media-obsessed dumb-asses...
Posted by ben dover on July 23, 2005

Everybody Hates Raymond - August 2002
Although my petition to outlaw Everybody Loves Raymond failed miserably despite 91 passionate supporters, the sheer venom directed at the show raged on:

Everyone hates ramen sucks. I'm so hatefull of the show that I just did a search on the internet which brought me to this site. I searched for "everyone loves raymond sucks"...
The first time I watched it I saw this raymond guy acting like a little boy to who seemed to be his mother, by the way she was talking to him. After a while I figured out that was his wife. Maybe it's a Oedipus complex that interests some people in this show?? that's my only guess.
Posted by RELON on December 28, 2003

And sometimes, not.

I LOVE Everyone loves raymond and I think its a really good show for many people that have a borening life like me. I laugh and I cry and enjoy everyone on the show expecially raymond and his brother. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. AMERY WISCONSIN LOVES YOU
Posted by A on November 5, 2004.

Soul Shite - November 2000
Legendary Australian rocker Jimmy Barnes will be pleased that while I slagged off his cheesy album of soul covers, a devoted fan came to his defence, albeit four years too late. This ranks high amongst my all-time favourite comments because you can just hear the flannel shirt and Victoria Bitterness in his words:

shit mate I must have missed your #1 record last time I was at the record shop...... Then I look further down and see that you are from Canberra, and that explains it all. Wanker...
Posted by juddster on August 6, 2004

WNP's 6th Birthday is hereby dedicated to commenters both past and present, young and old, sane and clearly otherwise. Thank you all!

Cabaret

Local Entertainment for the Contiki Crowd. Yartsevo, Russia 2004.

Cheers for the comments, comrades! I don't know if people see my comments on the comments so I thought I'd say thanks separately! It was so good to reconnect with folk from yesteryear and meet some new faces. Best of all, no one new from the Real World has outed themselves. So now I can happily go back to living in denial!